The Welcome Bag Has Landed

Alrighty everyone! We have been waiting quite awhile for this (month and a half) and now we know for sure - AJ was told that he has a family! He knows we are waiting for him!

Our agency does this neat thing - the way that kids find out they are being adopted is that the new parents prepare a 'welcome bag' for them. It includes a photo album, a special t-shirt, and a few little toys... We sent ours to the agency in mid-July. However, we had to wait for an agency worker to be traveling to Ethiopia to take it. And he finally got it.

I haven't seen the photo yet, but I can't wait. I wonder what he's thinking? At AHOPE, these welcome bags aren't nearly as common as at our agency's other orphanage (where pretty much every child is adopted eventually). Although more and more children from AHOPE are finding homes (yeah!) many have been there a long time and may never leave.

My joy at him receiving his bag is somewhat tempered by my sadness for these other children. Although AJ has been at AHOPE for over a year now, I know that other children have been there longer. And I bet the older children know that their chances of leaving are not nearly as good. How hard it must be to see the few children who are chosen?

It tears at my heart. But I know I can't save them all. Being a fairly young parent as it is, I just know that I'm not ready to parent a child older than Lulu. And I don't think she would do well losing her spot as the oldest...

I guess all I can do is continue to keep these wonderful children in my thoughts and heart and do whatever I can to educate PAPs who just might be able to offer them the home they need...

But, back to my happiness - AJ knows we love him! =)

Unexpected Aftershocks...

Over the last few weeks as we have left our family in on AJ's health, I would say that, overall, it didn't go exactly as I expected. In general, that is a good thing! I was afraid to hope for the best so I anticipated the worst - not in that our family wouldn't accept it or him, but just that it would take some time to work through the issues, educate, etc.

And don't get me wrong - I'm not completely naive. We still have a ways to go there. But overall, everyone was very open and accepting. We still have one left to go (had been holding out for an in-person discussion, but doesn't look like it'll happen...) but I don't expect anything different there.

What did end up happening was something I didn't really fully anticipate - the sheer sadness.

Now, Drew and I have been working through our feelings on HIV since the moment we decided to adopt from Ethiopia. You simply cannot adopt from Africa and not consider the horrors this disease has had on the continent as a whole. This was all too real when I read Melissa Fay Greene's book, There is No Me Without You. Greene does an excellent job of making the HIV/AIDS crisis, and its effect on the children of Africa, come alive. In reading that months ago, I had to deal with the sadness, the anger, the sheer frustration of the unfairness of it all.

Once we decided to consider whether we could adopt an HIV+ child, we began revisiting those feelings. But we had moved past those initial emotions. It is unfair - but the issue at this point was what we were going to do about it. So although I still feel much sadness, anger, and frustration about it all, those feelings aren't at the forefront of my mind.

In telling my sister in particular, these feelings came back up. for the first time, our families have had to truly internalize the sadness and the unfairness of it all. Before, they just knew we had a child coming home (a "healthy" one at that) and sure they know that AIDS may have touched his life in some way. But it is a much bigger jump to now know that HE has HIV - he personally will suffer the injustice of it all. After much discussion and assurances that he will be okay... the sadness was still there.

And it breaks my heart. for my family that already loves him enough to cry for him. And most importantly for him - who has been at an orphanage for over a year because no one wanted to adopt him. Even though hundreds of families are waiting in line for "healthy" children exactly his age.

But you have to move past that sadness and anger. Because AJ is coming home to us - his forever family. As much as I love him, if I had the power I would bring his mother back. I would erase the stigma that still exists in Africa (as well as the developed world...) that prevented his neighbors from being willing to continue to care for him. I would not rip him from his culture and country.

But, I don't have that power. And so I will love him. And take care of him. And give him the life he deserves. He is a "healthy" child. And we want him. He is our son. And he will be loved.

"We Are Still Here" - Documentaries about the Adoption of HIV+ Children

Deca Productions created a documentary about the adoption of HIV+ children, profiling children from Ethiopia and Vietnam. I believe it has been shopped to Oprah and HBO, but I haven't heard of any takers.

If you go to http://www.decaproductions.com/ the preview is on the home page. If you click on the Reel link, there is a different preview (though it will look the same at first). Also, there is a documentary about Chances By Choice, an organization started about 3-4 y ears ago by Margaret Fleming, a great woman who has devoted the last who knows how many years of her life to finding a home for HIV+ children. She has adopted three HIV+ children herself.

These documentaries really put a face to this issue. One statement really hit home for me - it's at the end of the second preview, stated by Josh, Erin's husband. He says something like, "It is there, and you can't pretend you didn't see it." I can still remember when we were considering whether or not we could/would adopt a positive child. Someone on the HIV yahoo group (for prospective adoptive parents of children with HIV) told me - once you let the idea of adopting an HIV+ child in your heart, it is hard to let it go. That proved to be so true.

The Cat's Outta the Bag!!! Disclosure Issues

OK, so I have been horrible about posting! This blog thing really doesn't come very natural to me. However, I think it is important to share the things we are going through. I know that when we were deciding whether or not we "could" adopt an HIV positive child, this series of posts from Erin, as well as this blog, made a huge difference in my mind-set. So, back to the grindstone.

As for the substance of this post - it's true. The disclosure has begun. Now the extent of disclosure (whether or not to share your child's health status with anyone) is a debate in and of itself and could take up MANY posts. I'm sure I'll revisit it later. For us, it was a huge roadblock in making the final decision to adopt an HIV+ child. We had to get comfortable with our disclosure decision before we allowed ourselves to commit to AJ.

What we decided was to tell immediate family (parents and siblings). I have also told two very close friends. for the time being, we are leaving it at that (hence the need for an annonymous blog). The reality is that no one really needs to know your child's health status (I mean I would exactly preach from the rooftops if Lulu were dealing with diabetes or something). But we are very close with our family and it was too stressful for me to consider not telling them. Additionally, given that AJ will be taking medicine the rest of his life, at some point it would likely come up and we didn't want our family to be hurt that we didn't trust them enough before to discuss the issue.

The cat started crawling out of the bag a few weeks ago. Drew's mom lives out of state, so every week or so they have a good phone chat. She was asking a lot of questions about different charities or programs that we've been involved with since we decided to adopt, including AHOPE. Well, this was too good of a segue to pass up, so Drew shared with her that AJ is positive. I think she was fairly surprised, but very supportive. She asked a lot of questions and in general just talked with Drew for awhile.

Not too much longer after that, we were headed 'home' to visit Drew's father, Andrew, and step mom, Tina. The 'news' was weighing on me a bit and Drew and I decided I should tell Tina that weekend. While her and I were out walking the dogs I just brought it up. No segue this time! And it was great - she just looked at me and said, well, that doesn't matter. =) She's great. Fortunately for us, while she was in hygiene school, she had done some research about HIV. Granted, it was a long time ago, but even from the out dated info she had, she knew that AJ posed no danger to anyone and would likely continue to do very well on his meds.

Last weekend we went camping with Drew's family and told his sisters. They were very supportive as well and asked a lot of questions. I really appreciated their open minded approach. They admitted they didn't know much about it - which is understandable, I certainly didn't! I also told Tina that the girls knew and we decided she should tell Drew's dad. We weren't scared to tell him - we just never had a good opportunity. And just bringing it up out of no where seemed to make it sound like some dirty secret that it isn't. I think he took it okay. Drew talked to him a bit about it the next day, but he didn't say too much. I think he is still processing it. He has concerns, understandably, most of them (I think) related to AJ's medical prognosis and how sick he may or may not be. After we got home from camping, I sent Drew's whole family some great resources (see side bar) which will hopefully help answer some questions that they may have.

So, all the sudden it ended up being my family that didn't know. At this point we were just ready to have it out in the open (well, with the family anyways). Since Lulu turns six today (yeah!) my parents are coming for cake and ice cream. So we were going to discuss it then. However, my mom called last night while on a walk and was talking to Drew, asking questions about AJ and his history. Drew brought the phone to me and said he didn't want to lie and I should probably just tell her now. So I did. And I think she was pretty surprised. but we had a great dialogue, talked about a lot of things. She was going to tell my dad last night. I don't think he will want to talk about it for awhile. I think they both have some processing they need to do. Drew and I have just moved beyond that - now we need to take a step back and walk through the scared feelings with our family. Help them understand why we made the choices we have.

After talking to my mom I talked to my sister. And it really bothers me that she wasn't one of the first to know. We have been incredibly close for a long time. I have wanted to talk to her, but preferred to do it in person and just have not had the opportunities this summer. At first she was really quiet. Which sort of surprised me. Out of everyone I hadn't been scared to tell her at all. But then I realized - she was being so quiet because she was crying. She was grieving for AJ - how unfair this world is that he would lose his mom and age 2 and be left with this disease. So we talked through some things. She doesn't feel any differently about it and was so supportive of Drew and I - which meant so much.

That leaves my brother. And I am REALLY unhappy that he is going to be the 'last' to know. We really want to talk to him and my SIL in person though. You see, they have agreed to serve as legal guardians for our children. So, our decision to adopt AJ really does have a more direct (or potentially direct) impact on them as compared to most people. I am not worried about telling them, I just feel I owe it to them to do it in a direct way. So we are trying to figure out when we can get away for dinner or something - hopefully very soon.

So that's it, our disclosure story. It's funny, when we first decided we were going to adopt an HIV+ child, we agonized over when to tell the family, how much, how many people to tell, etc. We knew everyone would be okay in the long run, but you just never know what someone's gut reaction might be? We discussed waiting until AJ was home - making sure everyone had fallen in love with him first. But that just didn't work for me. I'd rather be more upfront about it. And if someone really does have an issue, it needs to be dealt with before he can be hurt by it. I think we made the right decision. Last night it was honestly a huge load off. And it felt good to have people that love and care about us to talk to about the issues we are facing.

This too shall pass.

Welcome!

I have been thinking about doing this for WEEKS but never got around to it! Hmm... that sounds bad. I guess the truth is that I've had all these feelings bottled up one way or another since we started the adoption process and I've just wanted to share them. But, unfortunately, HIV is not a topic you can just open up to anyone about. At least, I don't feel that way now.

As you can see from my bio, my husband and I are expanding our family by adopting from Ethiopia. I plan to post in the future about how we made the decision to adopt, how we chose Ethiopia, and how we decided to adopt an HIV+ child. But for now, all you need to know is that we finally 'got there' and committed to our beautiful son AJ. He is about three years old and is waiting for us at AHOPE.



Already at home we have a thoughtful and sometimes dramatic 6 year old daughter, Lulu, and a ferociously independent, yet cuddle bug almost one year old daughter, Jane. Lulu cannot wait for her brother to come home. I'm sure we'll have adjustments there too, but she is excited. Jane, obviously, has no idea what is going on, but she loves other kids and I'm sure she will be very excited to have him home (although I KNOW she'll have some adjusting to do - she is rather demanding!). Just to make our house a bit more complicated, we also have two dogs and a crazy kitty (all from one rescue or another).

We look forward to sharing our experiences. I hope that we are able to provide some valuable education about the adoption process for a child with HIV and, later, parenting experiences. My sincere hope is that if just one person finds this informative and starts them to thinking, "I could do that," then it would be a success. Because, if not you, then who?