Monday, September 24, 2007

Our Great News - and, what's that? The sound of our joy being sucked away...

I haven't even had the 'fun' of announcing yet that Drew and I made a very exciting decision - not only are we adopting AJ from AHOPE, but also a daughter! Helen is about 4.5-5 years old. Lulu is incredibly excited to have a sister that she can really play with! Although I think things will be pretty crazy for us (going from 1 kid to 4 in less than 18 months, having 6, 5, 3 and 1 year olds, needing a new car, bigger house, etc!) we are so terribly excited and just know, deep in our hearts, that we are making the right choice.

to be perfectly honest, we agonized over it for a couple of weeks. I actually wanted to post about it, just to relieve some of my anxiety, but I couldn't - I was so afraid we were going to choose not to adopt her and the thought really hurt. So I just couldn't be public in any way until Andrew and I were on the same page. Once we were and we made the decision to move forward with her adoption, we haven't had a single doubt. =) What an amazing feeling!

Unfortunately, some don't share our joy. We have told most family members and several friends. The family all knows about AJ's - and subsequently Helen's - HIV status. Two friends know as well. Fortunately, the majority of our support system is very excited. Some think we are crazy, but most of that seems to relate to actually wanting to parent 4 children, rather than some of the other issues. Sadly, we aren't experiencing unqualified support.

To be perfectly frank, my relationship with my parents, formerly very close, has changed dramatically since we decided to adopt. I honestly think that race is at least part of it, though many other reasons have been given. My dad has never really talked about the adoption much but since we disclosed AJ's HIV status he hasn't said a word about it. Literally not one.

Unfortunately, I ended up having to discuss the issue (HIV) over the phone with my mom and she told my dad. I have seen him twice since (including yesterday) and he has not acknowledged it. Saturday I called to tell my parents about Helen. I had talked about it with my mom last weekend, hoping to get some constructive feedback in our decision-making process (unfortunately, only negative and not particularly helpful). So I knew it wouldn't go over great and figured it would be better to 'warn' them before they came to visit yesterday. My mom just said "oh, how old is she again?" and then changed the subject by asking how our garage sale was going! Today, while they were visiting - no mention at all. Until about 5 min before I knew they were going to leave. My mom said something like, So do you have any pictures of her? You didn't send me any. (like it was my fault...) But she says this away from my dad so he doesn't have to be involved...And that was pretty much it.

And I didn't do anything. =( I just don't know what to do. In my heart I know that if I bring my children home and they are not accepted by my family, then things will have to change dramatically. But I'm not ready to give up on them - I just keeping hoping and praying that it will just come in time and things will be okay. But it is so hard and I'm so scared. Lulu is very close to my mom - it would be very very hard on her to break off that relationship. And very hard on me. But not nearly as hard or as unfair as it would be if I allowed them to treat AJ and Helen like... well, not like one of the grandchildren.

After taking a little time to calm down about the issue and receiving support from various sources, I am feeling more confident that they will come around. But it is very hard right now. To have something so huge and meaningful in your life and to not have your own parents even want to be a part of it ... just very challenging for someone like me who has always put a great deal of value/emphasis on her family...

To make matters worse, I haven't even told my brother yet. after the negativity from my parents, I just didn't have the energy. I don't know how he will react and I really don't think it will be as bad as my parents, but I'm just not expecting a ton of positive comments and ... well, just don't want all my joy sucked away in a weekend...

But then I look at Helen's photo. And her smile. And I am reminded by that fluttering feeling in my heart that we are doing the right thing. And even if it takes others days, weeks or months to also see that, all that matters is our family and the love that is there (and is coming...)

Saturday, September 8, 2007

How to Convince Your Family that You Are Not Taking on Too Much?

I was finally able to talk to my brother yesterday. Unfortunately, it had to be on the phone. Which wasn't ideal. But overall it went okay. He admitted he doesn't know anything about HIV - which is fine! I certainly don't expect anyone to be an expert on a disease they have likely never had any (knowing) contact with. So I appreciated that he asked questions. I think he may have been a little concerned about transmission, etc. But he also trusts me and knows I would never put my children in any danger.

His real concern is that we are taking on too much. I think this is a concern of my dad's as well, but he hasn't really talked about the issue at all....

My brother asked me an interesting question - basically trying to determine, to get me to ask myself, if I was 'getting anything out of this that I needed. He didn't ask it rudely - but I think it was more along the lines of "do you feel like you have to do this to save the world" or something like that. Which isn't an outrageous question. It isn't easy to put into words though.

I guess, the simplest way I can say it (and I probably didn't express it very eloquently to him) is that I know we can do this (we know we can). For us, once we knew we could, it was much harder to walk away. Because it is always easy to say, we've got enough on our plates, it is okay to just want to adopt a 'healthy' child - let someone else save the HIV kids. But who is that someone else going to be?

And besides - AJ's our son. He just also happens to have HIV.

But we came to this conclusion before we knew AJ was ours in our hearts. We personally had to come to terms with the disease before we allowed our hearts to fully open to a particular child. It just took some time. But it was inevitable. Because he is ours - and we're his forever family.

If there are any readers out there... Anyone have any thoughts about how to better express this feeling? I think that it can also be just adoption related (since far too many have that "it's for someone else to do" feeling about adopting in general) ...

Thursday, September 6, 2007

What to do when you are so "over it"?

I'm having a bit of a problem - there is still one person left on my 'list' to disclose AJ's HIV status to. And I'm not putting it off for fear of reaction or anything like that. I had just really hoped to do it in person and have a discussion about it. I hate doing it over the phone. The telephone seems to lend drama to it. And yes, I realize that this isn't a run of the mill disclosure. But it isn't world-ending either. So my brother and I have been playing phone tag. Hopefully I can track him down tonight and have the discussion.

Here is my problem:

I am so OVER the issues!

We spent weeks (months!) agonizing over the decision. Researching, talking, etc. Now, that we are committed to AJ and just want to get him home, we've moved past (most) of those emotions. I don't think about HIV on a daily basis. I certainly don't think about AJ as a sick kid and how he is going to impede our lives when he arrives.

It has been very hard for me to get in the right 'mind set" to have these disclosure talks. Because our family ISN'T yet where we are - how could they be? They haven't done the research. They haven't internalized the HIV/AIDS pandemic in Africa the way we have. To them, it seems very sudden, surprising, scary. And so each discussion involves lots of questions. Which is SO great! I want people to be educated, to seek us out when they don't know or understand something.

But it is a bit exhausting. The thought of gearing myself up for one more is tiring.

And that makes me feel kind of bad! I owe it to our families to try and put myself back in their shoes and tell them the sort of information that go us to where we are today.

So, I'm trying. I hope I succeed.