Wednesday, October 24, 2007

"Ethiopia! Does that mean they are African-American?"

So, decided to follow up this looooong absence with another post! See our big news here though!!!

Anyways, I really wanted to share this story, but I don't know if my personal, non-anonymous blog is a good spot. So I guess it will go here where no one will read it. ;) Such is life.

Yesterday I worked in another one of our offices and had luck with a few people in my group from that office. One I am very good friends with and she was asking me about the adoption process and how things were going. Eventually the whole group was involved in the conversation, which was fine (it's not a secret or anything - well, at least not the general adoption part!) Anyways, an older man that I've worked with on several occasions asked me the ages of the children I was adopting.

when I told him 3 and 5 he shook his head, very matter of factly and stated something along the lines of "That's too bad, it is too late for them." Very surprised by this comment and not wishing to pursue it, I sort of ignored it and let it go. Unfortunately, it came up again and another woman at the table proceeded to sort of debate this issue with him (her opinion was they were still very long and it was not "too late" - whatever that means!)

Then, and I wish I could remember the exact words, he said something about their "moral fiber" being "set" and there was nothing that could change it (obviously assuming it was 'set' in a negative way). It eventually got very very awkward and everyone got quiet and lunch sort of broke up.

to be honest, I didn't really say much in response to this man's ignorance. That was probably due to a few reasons. (1) he is my superior and that could be awkward (2) I was so surprised I really didn't know what to say, and (3) I didn't feel like anything I could say would make a damn bit of difference. It wasn't worth my time and effort. But I'm sorry that I let it go with nothing more than, "well, we are excited."

Oh, and intermixed in this conversation, the woman (who was debating with the man) asked me, "So, Ethiopia. Does this mean they are African-American?" She seemed to have very good intentions and was obviously seeking a "PC" way to ask me if I was adopting black children. But it was very weird. The woman next to her laughed and said (very accurately) "Well, they will be!"

All in all, very odd, disappointing conversation.

I forget, since we really have had a great deal of support, that there are so many people out there with very negative, antiquated, uninformed views about adoption. And it amazes me that people have no problem sharing those feelings. Most of the time I just ignore it - why should I let it bother me? But it is a reminder how hard things might be for my babies when they do come home. Ignorance is alive and well. Even in (especially in?) the highly educated...

8 comments:

Jennifer Isaac said...

The one that really gets me along these lines (and it REALLY gets me lately since I have to choose things to be crabby about in addition to waiting forever for Avi to come home) is when people feel completely comfortable with reaching out and touching Jaso's hair and then asking me questions about it in front of her like "is that her real hair?" I know they are curious, but no stranger has EVER reached out and touched my bio kids' hair - it's just not appropriate. So it's not appropriate for Jaso either. And it's really not any stranger's business whether its "her" hair or not. It really makes me nuts. And last week it happened to be a four-year-old blondie who said "Guess what mom? Her hair feels like yarn!" To which mom replied "Oh, it does?" I know she was probably mortified and spoke with her child when they had moved away (I hope!) but Jaso should not have to deal with people's rudeness over and over! It's happened enough times recently that I practiced a response for next time it happens: "It's really not nice to touch someone's hair without asking them if it's alright with them."

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Becky Lee Burk said...

I have had to sit quietly in this same type of situation just thinking to myself - "really, really, you're saying this in 2009?" Wow, I guess I just really am naive to the still prevailing racial stigmas in the U.S.
On the other hand though we have also had an amazing reception of our son in our very "vanilla" community and he has brought lots of smiles to many faces so there's hope :)