Monday, September 24, 2007

Our Great News - and, what's that? The sound of our joy being sucked away...

I haven't even had the 'fun' of announcing yet that Drew and I made a very exciting decision - not only are we adopting AJ from AHOPE, but also a daughter! Helen is about 4.5-5 years old. Lulu is incredibly excited to have a sister that she can really play with! Although I think things will be pretty crazy for us (going from 1 kid to 4 in less than 18 months, having 6, 5, 3 and 1 year olds, needing a new car, bigger house, etc!) we are so terribly excited and just know, deep in our hearts, that we are making the right choice.

to be perfectly honest, we agonized over it for a couple of weeks. I actually wanted to post about it, just to relieve some of my anxiety, but I couldn't - I was so afraid we were going to choose not to adopt her and the thought really hurt. So I just couldn't be public in any way until Andrew and I were on the same page. Once we were and we made the decision to move forward with her adoption, we haven't had a single doubt. =) What an amazing feeling!

Unfortunately, some don't share our joy. We have told most family members and several friends. The family all knows about AJ's - and subsequently Helen's - HIV status. Two friends know as well. Fortunately, the majority of our support system is very excited. Some think we are crazy, but most of that seems to relate to actually wanting to parent 4 children, rather than some of the other issues. Sadly, we aren't experiencing unqualified support.

To be perfectly frank, my relationship with my parents, formerly very close, has changed dramatically since we decided to adopt. I honestly think that race is at least part of it, though many other reasons have been given. My dad has never really talked about the adoption much but since we disclosed AJ's HIV status he hasn't said a word about it. Literally not one.

Unfortunately, I ended up having to discuss the issue (HIV) over the phone with my mom and she told my dad. I have seen him twice since (including yesterday) and he has not acknowledged it. Saturday I called to tell my parents about Helen. I had talked about it with my mom last weekend, hoping to get some constructive feedback in our decision-making process (unfortunately, only negative and not particularly helpful). So I knew it wouldn't go over great and figured it would be better to 'warn' them before they came to visit yesterday. My mom just said "oh, how old is she again?" and then changed the subject by asking how our garage sale was going! Today, while they were visiting - no mention at all. Until about 5 min before I knew they were going to leave. My mom said something like, So do you have any pictures of her? You didn't send me any. (like it was my fault...) But she says this away from my dad so he doesn't have to be involved...And that was pretty much it.

And I didn't do anything. =( I just don't know what to do. In my heart I know that if I bring my children home and they are not accepted by my family, then things will have to change dramatically. But I'm not ready to give up on them - I just keeping hoping and praying that it will just come in time and things will be okay. But it is so hard and I'm so scared. Lulu is very close to my mom - it would be very very hard on her to break off that relationship. And very hard on me. But not nearly as hard or as unfair as it would be if I allowed them to treat AJ and Helen like... well, not like one of the grandchildren.

After taking a little time to calm down about the issue and receiving support from various sources, I am feeling more confident that they will come around. But it is very hard right now. To have something so huge and meaningful in your life and to not have your own parents even want to be a part of it ... just very challenging for someone like me who has always put a great deal of value/emphasis on her family...

To make matters worse, I haven't even told my brother yet. after the negativity from my parents, I just didn't have the energy. I don't know how he will react and I really don't think it will be as bad as my parents, but I'm just not expecting a ton of positive comments and ... well, just don't want all my joy sucked away in a weekend...

But then I look at Helen's photo. And her smile. And I am reminded by that fluttering feeling in my heart that we are doing the right thing. And even if it takes others days, weeks or months to also see that, all that matters is our family and the love that is there (and is coming...)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for writing this.